Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
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We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?