“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
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When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years