Peter Parker Peter Driver
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It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.