PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
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Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Just how popey was the pope today?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”