Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
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How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.