Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
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How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I hope Alan is OK
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
awkward
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.