*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
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I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it