*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
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Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.