@matt___nelson

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

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@delusions_of

I’m like a Rubik’s Cube. Seems fun at first but eventually you’ll want to rip me apart.

@BlackJerms

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

@HatfieldAnne

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

@KentWGraham

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

@iwearaonesie

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

@neledmax

My kid asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote and had him change channels by hand the rest of night.

@PinkCamoTO

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

@thevickster_sa

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

@TheAlexNevil

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me