*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

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I’m like a Rubik’s Cube. Seems fun at first but eventually you’ll want to rip me apart.


Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move


Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.


Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.


How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant


My kid asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote and had him change channels by hand the rest of night.


*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?


When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien


God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me