[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
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GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.