Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
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woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I will never stop laughing at this
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
i would wish you the best but i am the best
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL