Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
You Might Also Like
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Breaking news:
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night