[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
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You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Worth the read.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples