[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

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I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…


*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…


If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.


I’m sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.


Me: You can just keep that pen.

Coworker: Sure?

Me: Yeah. I noticed you don’t wash your hands in the restroom.


Me: I told everyone.


I don’t have a problem admitting when I’m wrong. It just hasn’t happened yet.


Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.