@pleatedjeans

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

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@MegsHAUSTED

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

@squirrel74wkgn

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

@threeinchgiant

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

@NatetheEnigma

I’m sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: You can just keep that pen.

Coworker: Sure?

Me: Yeah. I noticed you don’t wash your hands in the restroom.

Cw..

Me: I told everyone.

@tsm560

I don’t have a problem admitting when I’m wrong. It just hasn’t happened yet.

@GensPlace

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.