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@pleatedjeans: [petting stranger's dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
@MichaelTrying: The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
@Tmoney68: A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
@chuuew: ME: Hi, I have a 3 o'clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
@envydatropic: How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
@djdarrellripley: Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn't spill a drop.
Him: Well, how'd you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..