[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
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Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
That eye roll….
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.