[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
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I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
lol
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.