@StoneAgeRadio13

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

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@chuuew

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

@Darlainky

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

@GrumpyComments

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

@robdelaney

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

@daemonic3

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

@YuckyTom

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

@BuckyIsotope

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

@ceejoyner

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

@Reverend_Scott

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB