Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
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My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[loses house key, starts a new life]
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
“i miss shittin on people”
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”