“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
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“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.