@qbermensch

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

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@UnFitz

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

@funflaps

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

@steveffootball

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

@shwebby3

THE POWER OF NACHOS COMPELS YOU!

THE POWER OF NACHOS COMPELS YOU!

@Sal0630

Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work.

Me: I talk to myself when I’m driving sometimes too, it’s ok.

Boss: Just get out.

@Breadery

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

@vxlk

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

@buhsbaby_baby

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?

@KattWillFerrell

DOG: I think that job interview went well!
*looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a