@HarmonyRambles

Pfft. Of course I know pound town has nothing to do with pound cake. Everyone knows that.

*slides fork into back pocket, fights back tears*

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@Reverend_Scott

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

@squirrel74wkgn

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

@Carmensadie

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

@JustMeTurtle

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

@iLikeCatShirts

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

@TheAlexNevil

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

@meghaffer

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

@Chhapiness

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack