*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
Pfft. Of course I know pound town has nothing to do with pound cake. Everyone knows that.
*slides fork into back pocket, fights back tears*
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ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
God: all of them
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack