Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
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Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Not today. 😅
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.