pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
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One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽