PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down


PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

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Haha, I feel sorry for all you losers who missed out on the Bitcoin train. You should’ve bought in years ago, like me: A perfectly normal man who coincidentally hoarded a virtual currency during a time when it’s only use was for sex trafficking and purchasing organs.


My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?


[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*


What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.


I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much


First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)


[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?


I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.


Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.