PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
You Might Also Like
This made me smile…
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.