@rockymomax

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

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@fro_vo

Cap: good morning Avengers let’s begin
Iron Man: wait spider-man is missing
Open Mouth Man: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite

@Kids_kubed

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

@noxxhell

“What protection do you use?”

“Protection?”

“When you have Sex.”

“Sex??”

@LostLettermen

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

@BuckyIsotope

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

@CalmTomb

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

@LackOfShame

Boss: Just spend the company’s money with the same discretion as you would your own.

Me: I understand.

*bankrupts the company

@Cpin42

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

@FredTaming

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree