PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down


PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

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Cap: good morning Avengers let’s begin
Iron Man: wait spider-man is missing
Open Mouth Man: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite


“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park


“What protection do you use?”


“When you have Sex.”



In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.


Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not


BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern


All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…


Boss: Just spend the company’s money with the same discretion as you would your own.

Me: I understand.

*bankrupts the company


I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle


dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree