Cap: good morning Avengers let’s begin
Iron Man: wait spider-man is missing
Open Mouth Man: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
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“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
“What protection do you use?”
“When you have Sex.”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Boss: Just spend the company’s money with the same discretion as you would your own.
Me: I understand.
*bankrupts the company
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree