@rockymomax

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

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@Shanehasabeard

Haha, I feel sorry for all you losers who missed out on the Bitcoin train. You should’ve bought in years ago, like me: A perfectly normal man who coincidentally hoarded a virtual currency during a time when it’s only use was for sex trafficking and purchasing organs.

@envydatropic

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

@squirrel74wkgn

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“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

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@BCMontgo

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

@fightforfood

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

@ShootyDoody

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Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

@Playing_Dad

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

@Contwixt

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

@Beccnicole

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.