Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
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townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Bring back the McRib
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
the three branches of government
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
This anagram machine is out of order.