Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
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Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him