Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
You Might Also Like
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”