Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
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whelp that’s enough instagram for today
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time