Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
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If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I have never related to a cat more
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?