PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
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REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Succinctly put.