[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
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If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
i smell a pulitzer
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.