I find it in poor taste that the 1am drive-thru attendant asks “How are you?” Not good, Maria. Clearly.
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
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A seahorse walks into a bar and dies immediately.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I built that beach a sandcastle.
Beaches love sandcastles.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
[gets down on one knee]
[gets down on two knees]
[gets down on third knee]
If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s about a shark with gastritis that keeps throwing up people until they all have fun on the beach.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.