“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

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I find it in poor taste that the 1am drive-thru attendant asks “How are you?” Not good, Maria. Clearly.


I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.


Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller


[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf


If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s about a shark with gastritis that keeps throwing up people until they all have fun on the beach.


Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?


My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.


The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.