Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
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I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
When you’ve simply given up.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?