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PhewThe Chosen Phew
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Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I don’t know what to do
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority