PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
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oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Happy Friday
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️