@LHGarrett

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

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@MissHavisham

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

@UnFitz

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

@dril

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

@ruinedpicnic

“I want you back in my arms…”

– me, drowsily, to the bag of blood hanging beside the donation bed

@RunOldMan

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

@Gre_Gone

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

@DominicCaruso1

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

@IvoryGazelle

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her