@iheartgunts: Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight" is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
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@Parkerlawyer: Me: is the fish fishy? Waiter: it’s a mild fish. Me: so it’s mildly fishy? Waiter, to my husband: is she- Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
@Jenny4ashley: Joke's on you, jerk that sold me oregano instead of weed. I was going to make pizza sauce anyway.
@NewDadNotes: [on the phone] Me: hey babe you’ll never guess- Wife: [sees County Jail on caller ID] you hit a cop car again didn’t you Me: -let me finish you’ll never guess who I ran into today