Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

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My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.


I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say “no.”


*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”


Whenever I’m picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell “Come with me if you want to live!” so she knows she married pure awesomeness


(whispering) Barack. Psst, Barack. Barack, turn around.

Joe, I’m a little busy.

I love you.


*you see a bear approaching you*
Quick play dead!
*bears comes running up*
Oh god! OH GOD! What’s happening!? Wake up! WHO DID THIS TO YOU!?


Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .


Cops would catch more drunk drivers if they just stood outside with signs that say HONK IF YOU’RE WASTED!


I just found out that “Birdman” has nothing to do with Hawkeye, and now I want to see it.


doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you