@iheartgunts

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

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@TheMichaelRock

Some guy robbed a local gas station and stole $700 worth of cigarettes. I wonder what he’ll do with both packs.

@Wishes_She_Was

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

@AntozWolf

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

@ChipKellysBalls

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

@iYoungKhalifa

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

@rockymomax

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

@AndrewChamings

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

@Shock_Monster

If life had a ‘CTRL + ALT + DEL’ option, you bet your ass I’d be hitting that thing about 14 times a day.

@mrjohntofu

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.