Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
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drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Saving my good tweets for marriage
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
God making man in his image was the original selfie
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.