@iheartgunts

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

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@_Tempo11

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

@XplodingUnicorn

I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say “no.”

@RainbowJohnJ

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

@AristotlesNZ

Whenever I’m picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell “Come with me if you want to live!” so she knows she married pure awesomeness

@melgabored

BIDEN
(whispering) Barack. Psst, Barack. Barack, turn around.

OBAMA
Joe, I’m a little busy.

BIDEN
I love you.

@oxygenplug

*you see a bear approaching you*
Quick play dead!
*bears comes running up*
Oh god! OH GOD! What’s happening!? Wake up! WHO DID THIS TO YOU!?

@VerifiedDrunk

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

@Ginlicker

Cops would catch more drunk drivers if they just stood outside with signs that say HONK IF YOU’RE WASTED!

@13spencer

I just found out that “Birdman” has nothing to do with Hawkeye, and now I want to see it.

@OllyiConic

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you