@Parkerlawyer: Me: is the fish fishy? Waiter: it’s a mild fish. Me: so it’s mildly fishy? Waiter, to my husband: is she- Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

@Jenny4ashley: Joke's on you, jerk that sold me oregano instead of weed. I was going to make pizza sauce anyway.

@NewDadNotes: [on the phone] Me: hey babe you’ll never guess- Wife: [sees County Jail on caller ID] you hit a cop car again didn’t you Me: -let me finish you’ll never guess who I ran into today

@LOsepyan: Yes, your honor, but in my defense I thought he was stung by a jellyfish

@LOUD_Thoughts_: The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30%of their ice cream.