Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
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Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Happy weekend !
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.