[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
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“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
the simulation is moving too fast
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
No way!
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.