PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
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If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that