@TheHyyyype

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

@nursemella

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

@SimuLiu

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

@GrantTanaka

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

@philco816

Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.

@TheRolo

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

@mydmac

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

@JPLFR80

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

@SteveSuckington

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”