philosophy professor: you must question everything


me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

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“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!


*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.


“Holy shit. That butterfly’s gonna be HUGE.”

— First person to find a mummy


Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job


It’s fun to smudge your lipstick and ruffle your hair before you come out of your bosses office, then give your work colleagues a wink.


Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.nnnI gave her all my wrinkled shirts.nnnAnd that’s how the fight started.


Parents that tell u “it’s just a little noise” when their kid cries on a train are the same ones who knock on ur door when the music is loud