philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
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My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!