Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
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*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Sorry were you talking shit about New York
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”