philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
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europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
There’s never enough good news
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
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I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.