[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
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Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
it was a valiant fight
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
What a year we’ve had this week.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*