@Senor_LongDong

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

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@markedly

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

@rcromwell4

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

@stevevsninjas

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

@NurseSeymour

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

@Social_Mime

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

@ComedicBust

New Years Resolutions:
1. Lose weight
2. Volunteer work
3. Lie about 1 and 2

@samdunsiger

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

@Smug_Lemur

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.