If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
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The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*squishes it with shoe*
Me: Not that one.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!
Ok now say “coffee”!
Her: Can you turn off the lights?
Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.