Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

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Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work


“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”


We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.


You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.


My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.


New Years Resolutions:
1. Lose weight
2. Volunteer work
3. Lie about 1 and 2


If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.


“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.