Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
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[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
(Electricians.)
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!