-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

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[awesome life of caterpillar]
1) all I do is eat, awesome
2) time to sleep in this cozy bag, awesome


I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I’m not even married.


The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.


This is just the most tragical thing that has ever happened to me.

-Me eating tofu


[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*


I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.


7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.