Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
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Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
girl: brrrr it’s cold haha
me: you… you want my kimono?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think