-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

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Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.


You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.


How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.


*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?


Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.


I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter


I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.


ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think