-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
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A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”