I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
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When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).