commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
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I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Breaking news:
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.