@subtweetopath

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

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@TheBoydP

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

@Vodkantots

Listen, guys. I’ve had two kids.

Your promise to “destroy” it is no good here.

@nealbrennan

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

@Chumpstring

My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that’s the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace.

@LeBearGirdle

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

@ThisOneSayz

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

@JessObsess

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.