[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
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BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
The “baby” on the left….
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …