[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
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My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.