{phone call}


MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

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My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.


Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4


From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”


Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.


I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.


*catches 4yo putting on deodorant*

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: Feeding my armpits.

Me….as you were.


Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.


Our Mexican neighbor made us dinner and it tastes like I committed a grave error in marrying a white girl.