My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
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Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]
Hipster: I’ll take 4
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
*catches 4yo putting on deodorant*
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: Feeding my armpits.
Me….as you were.
dr: we had to remove your colon
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Our Mexican neighbor made us dinner and it tastes like I committed a grave error in marrying a white girl.