Me: Oh No my phone!!!
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
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PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Apparently it’s not enough to just show up, you need to be wearing pants as well.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
If dumping the last of your chips into the dip and eating it like cereal is wrong then I don’t wanna be right.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…