@karanbirtinna

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

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@AtticusFinch79

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

@Tmoney68

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

@DirtyySouthMess

Apparently it’s not enough to just show up, you need to be wearing pants as well.

@FatherWithTwins

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

@EyeSeeYou619

If dumping the last of your chips into the dip and eating it like cereal is wrong then I don’t wanna be right.

@LoverOfComics94

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…