@karanbirtinna

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

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@AngryRaccoon2

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

@SortaBad

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

@bleustreak

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

@ThisOneSayz

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

@KyleMcDowell86

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

@InternetHippo

Now that everyone is against Facebook I’m smugly telling everyone that I deleted mine 5 years ago because I saw this coming and not b/c I had no friends

@rivalpunks

In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends.

@Bandersnaaatch

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.