*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
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I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
my proudest tweet
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no